so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Randomize
