I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
