normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
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