Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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