He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
