in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
