i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
