Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
You did what with his pubic hair?
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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