Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
