He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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