My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
