i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
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