I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
this just has baby written all over it
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
