No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
whose parrot is this?
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Randomize
