They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I'm getting married
To pizza
I just gargled with NyQuil
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize