she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
