You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I want a musical about memes.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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