Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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