Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
