mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
