worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
