If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize