I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
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