I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Drunk walkin through police station. America
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
