idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Randomize
