the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
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