My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Randomize
