true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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