you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Randomize
