I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize