I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
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