we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
