the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Randomize
