OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
