It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize
