I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
In America we eat man semen.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Randomize
