hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
