I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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