I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
