So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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