I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
