He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Just invented taco cereal.
We talked him into tasing himself.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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