So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
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