theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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