last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize