god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
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