don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
