hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
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