even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
The best revenge is premature balding
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
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