bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
