is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Randomize
