I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
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